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Sunday, June 13, 2010

Return from the Dead! Trolls and Hoes!

So it's been ages since I've actually blogged. This is because of me being too busy, like not blogging. That one takes up most of the time. Now as for the lady to the right, she will come into this story in a bit. Some may call her "chubby" or "fat", but I prefer the French term grosse, for obvious reasons.

I like to be cool, as most of the 5 followers I have know. So when they all made OKcupid I just HAD to do it too. I thought that possibly I did it, really, because I wanted some attention, and maybe a shot at finding something worthwhile, and boy did I find something worthwhile.

I found Sammantha Harkness on OKcupid. Now, by this time (about 2 weeks in) I had realized that OKcupid was really a shitpile and I would just go there to get angry. See what stupid bitches and whores were on OK cupid threatening the world to resproduce with their eight 75 IQ kids, but then I met Sam, she just took the cake.

"Creative" type (emo) ✓

Super Athiest ✓

gurrrl Gamrrr ✓ (Some people might know what this is)

Obviously overflowing with self-confidence issues ✓

Stuipd beyond belief ✓

Yes, she was the perfect anti-hero to my story of life. So I made it MY mission to destroy this dumb hooker anyway I could. What did I have at my disposal? I had myself, a somewhat cute awkward kid, hipster, and a personality I could mold to fit this girl's obviously broken puzzle-like life. So I did what any intellectual elite would do on OKcupid when threatened by such a might nemesis. I read her profile and devised a devilishly clever letter to FORCE her to respond. Knowing that she was obviously shallow I fit that part, and she liked "nerds", A.K.A. guys that have played 1 video game.

Now let me just spare you the boring dry details of our flirty engagements. Which really consisted of.

Sam: Man I need to wash my windows

Me: I'd wash your windows ;)

Sam: ;)))))))))

This went on for a few weeks, and original plan to destroy her was just to stand her up on a date, and block her from all contact. So I lied to her and said I was hitching a ride with my friends to heading out to her rink-a-dink town to go to a Borders with her and eat lunch with her. (she made lunch for me LOL) So I busily blocked her from Facebook/MSN/Skype/OKcupid and was content with sitting on my computer knowing that I've done good. Unfortunately I was not able to block her on my cellphone, fucking sprint, so I had to bear with the 12 text messages that she sent me over the span of half an hour, all of which I didn't respond to.

Sam then said something that gave me an idea "omg kyle did you get into a car accident?" And so this plan was put forth into action. I quickly unblocked her from everything, minus skype/MSN, and logged back onto facebook. I pretended to be my sister who had my facebook password and only messaged her once a day. This is the story I gave her:

Sorry it's been a hectic couple of days. Um, where to start. He is doing a lot better now. he at least isn't in and out of consciousness anymore. this is the story he told me. apparently theyre car had stalled in the middle of the intersection, so kyle was getting out of the car to push it out of the way when a pickup truck plowed into him while he was opening his door.

he broke his right arm, and most of his right ribs. one of his ribs punctured his lungs and started filling up with blood. he was also bleeding internally hard for a while. we were lucky to get him to the hospital when we did because he just barely made it. in a day or two he should be a lot better and be able to talk to you again. ill try to bring my laptop or something.

we had to get him a new phone because his old one got smashed pretty hard and it was a touch phone so its totally shot. but ive been reading your text messages to him and he told me to say

"Love ya babe"

I texted her 5 days after my accident. I guess I must be Superman or something to recover so quickly. Once I "recovered" she bothered me non-stop, and because I was at a hospital the only excuse I could come up with was "I have to go take my spongebath now." And I took A LOT of spongebaths, and now comes the dramatic end of said story. I am now reading the novel "Lolita" by Vladamir Nabokov, and it's really funny, and in the story the mother of the 12 year old girl that the main character wants to fuck, leaves a letter behind as she's taking her daughter somewhere for the main character to read. I will paraphrase the letter "Humbert I love you, but you have to leave my house now because you don't love me, if you do love me, stay, and we will marry. Otherwise, leave my house"

I wrote down this letter to Sam, and edited a little bit, so it made sense, and blocked her on MSN. This is the letter:

    This is a confession: I love you. Last Sunday in chat - bad you, who refused to talk to me. Only last Sunday, my dear, when I thought about what to do, and I am acting the way now as I had thought about it. You see, there is no alternative. I have loved you from the minute I saw you. I am a passionate and manly man and you are the love of my life. 

    Now, my dearest, dearest, mon cher, cher madamoiselle, you have read this; now you know. So, will you please, AT ONCE, delete me from your friends list. This is a man's order. I am dismissing you. Go! Scram! Departez! I shall be back by dinnertime, and I hope I'm off your friend's list by then. Please, please, leave at once, NOW, do not even read this to the end. Go. Adieu.

What would a normal person do when they would get a message like this? they would wait. Then, come dinner time, prove their love for the other person. No, not Sam. Sam, following this message, proceeds to contact me and says "What did I do wrong, why are you angry with me?" I was enfuriated! I was so angry that someone THIS stupid was allowed to live. I figured this is where I would end the entire charade, where I would pull the coup de grace, but I waited a bit for her to embarass herself a little more. She did, she left this voice-mail on my phone. Voice-Mail

After waking up and seeing 15 new texts from her, and this voice-mail I figured it was time. I wrote this mean mean letter to her 

And thus, ends the story of how I trolled Sam into Oblivion

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Back from Las Vegas

So my friends,(my real ones) brought me along with them to go to Las Vegas. So a free trip to Las Vegas? Who can turn that down? I won't. Since I am cool, I will tell my story from the end to the beginning.

Right before I left from Las Vegas we went to some shark aquarium, I forget what it was called, but there were like 800 signs about it. Aquariums are boring, but I saw so many signs I thought it HAD to be cool. It was not. Fishes are retarded and boring, I did however touch a stingray. Did you know that they cut off their stingers? Or Rayers? whatever. The only fun part was following around this french mom and dad. I love talking french, but I did not have the balls to go up to these people and go talk to them in french, because I did not want to ruin their trip. I wouldn't want a 19 hipster walking up to them and start talking to me.

They were zooming through the aquarium like it was nothing, I was at least trying to look at wtf the fishes were doing. They even gave us this retarded remote control to tell us what the fishes do and what not. Spoilers: they eat and swim. But these two french people were practically running through the aquarium.

Onto the funny part; I followed them into a darkish room. It was like a huge old 1800's ship that crashed and there was glass everywhere so you could see the fishes and the sharks. I looked back at my friends because they were doddling and I lost track of the french woman. I saw her standing next to the glass taking pictures of the sharks. I stood next to her, quietly, pretending as if she were my french mother and what my life would be if I was born in france.

We shared the deepest connection I've ever felt with someone. Two francophones standing next to each other admiring the beauty of sharks. I felt her french presence, and I'm sure she smelled mine. I was pretty much thinking in french. Let me tell you, it was amazing. This however was at the end of the aquarium. I parted ways from her and went to the gift shop with my friends.

Then, to my EXTREME horror, I saw the french woman and her child standing there in the gift shop. We had to take an elevator to get to the gift shop, so there was no way she could've passed us. So, I just shared this incredibly deep francophone connection with some stranger. While I was experiencing the zen of the universe she was probably petrified with fear. I felt like a retard, and rightly so. After that I left. The image of me standing next to this strange woman, who probably thought I was gonna mug her, is going to stay with me for the rest of my life.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Slower day

I mainly "chilled" today. I talked to some of my friends and shit and the bought me a ticket to "The Rev" or w/e so I can go to vegas with them. It's a coma waking up present. So if you want free shit, go get hit by cars and hope you get put into a coma.

I like to sit in restaurants and stare out the window. I like to stay in there for quite a while. Very café minded of me. So I was driving around town looking for a small place to eat and stare outside at people. I drove by this place "China Wok Inn" I liked the name, I thought it was hilar, and so I went in. Apparently there is a high-school nearby and they all go in there, so they have a cheaper special for them. I got this special it was like $3 bux no tax and $1 for a can of Dr.Pepper. This place was pretty ghetto and the food wasn't that good, but for $4, who can go wrong? They have like really shitty speakers attached to 1 corner of their restaurant. I don't know why there isn't more, but I didn't bother to ask any questions. I didn't really hear the music because it was turned down really low. But then this really loud song came on the speaker, and it was right behind me so I didn't notice it. I turned around using my elbow as a pivot point. The tables were super shitty, so when I did this (I was sitting at the far edge) the whole table fell down. I literally flipped the table over by turning around on my elbow with the table.

The asian lady just stared at me like I was a retard, and asked me how I flipped it. I was pretty embarrassed and I said "it flipped itself." I doubt she believed me, but she wasn't really paying attention as she was on a laptop cleverly hidden by the cash register.

Regarding Les Misérables the play I'm going to see I am supposed to go to a preview tomorrow. However, I will not be here as I will be ordering strippers and trying to play some poker. I know most of the people in the play, how sad. I'm pretty angry the play looks like total shit. Everyone keeps telling me "omg the play is so gude you have to watch it srsly." These retards have obviously never read a book in their life, because I doubt a community college level play of a 19th century epic will be any good. Apparently they've cut out swathes of the material becuase they're all too stupid to memorize lines. I've seen a few of the dramafags reading the abridged version. I came up to one and said, "Oh cool what book is this." I was faking sincerity since I just wanted to troll this faggot. He explained to me "OMG THIS IS THE BEST BOOK EVER IT'S A 19TH CENTURY FRENCH EPIC ABOUT THIS PRIEST WHO GIVES AWAY FREE STUFF." He said he's been reading it a week, he is not past the first chapter. I replied to him "Why would you read an abridged version of an epic? Do you realize how retarded this is." He then explained to me that the word "retard" was extremely offensive as his brother was retarded. I told him "Maybe he's not the retarded one." I left, and I hope he cried.

My adsense account finally got cleared, and I can make money with it now. So if you see any from the ads that interest you, please click them. This is because I care about you, and not about jew pennies.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Les français habitont en Californie

If you couldn't tell from my title I met a french lady today. Well, I didn't *meet* her I just talked to her. French people are all rude, so they don't like to talk to me. However, I can usually hold their attention for 5-10 minutes when I talk to them in french. This lady was the nicest french lady I have ever met and she is the 2nd french lady I have met. The first one I met ran away from me before I could speak french to her. Which is why I strictly speak to them in French. Clearly my 9'12" stature scared her away. I don't remember her first name, but her last name was like McAbbie or something. I remember this, because when I asked her name I thought it was funny name for a french person. Turns out she is married, and her maiden name is JeanJean. She hesitated before telling me, because of how hilar it is. People around me laughed at her maiden name.

So I was talking to my Friend Isais today. We go to school together, he's a super emo kid, and in drama. What a shocker. So apparently my school is doing Les Misérables. I think I'm gonna go see it. I read the book, and I've always wanted to see the musical. However, it is not the musical and only a play. What a load of bullcrap. A guy, who I barely know, is playing Javert. He is black. I find this absolutely hilarious because black people are known for being on the wrong side of the law, but while I do not know him very much, he is very nice and cordial person. But still, black? Could they not have found a better actor? Everyone else must be shit. What kind of black man obeys the law 100%? This is like casting a jew as Valjean, because jews do not give out money left and right.

I like to sit in café's and listen to people's conversations. I overheard a women talking to a man about how "caging animals is inhumane and bad." I think this argument is ridiculous because animals are inhuman. She said something like "You don't see lions capturing zebras and forcefeeding them hormones and shit." I told her "There aren't 5 billion lions, you're logic is flawed." I was to the right of her, you see. She glared at me like I had just kicked a baby, or made fun of a retard. She got up and sat down farther away from me. What a bitch. I just listened to my music for a while and then I left, cafés are for hipsters anyways. The music I was listening though is Blind Pilot. I really like their album because they are indie like me.

I also found this hilaroius blog, you can find it here
So for the 6 people that read my blog, and I know them, you can read his blog. He is my best e-friend and troll buddy. I play DFO with him, and he sucks at chess, but I forgive him for that.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My Adventure.

I like to look on the positive side of life, because well, I'm a baller.

Today I was bored, couldn't find a job, living at a friends house missing my babe. I call up one of my friends, Kristina, and ask her what she's doing. She says nothing much and I ask if she wants to go out to eat. She says sure and she'll come pick me up. Knowing that she is a vegetarian, I say take me to McDonalds, and I'll buy her some shit as well off the dollar menu. She won't order anything at McDonalds, because she won't eat anything there as it is not "vege friendly"; whatever that means.

So we're driving back to my house and I point out this really baller Korean restaurant that I've taken Natalie to a couple of times. I point and say "Look that's the best Korean restaurant in the world" she says "Kyle! I'm driving!" Not to be told off by a girl I say "Jesus Christ! Just frickin' look!" She, being a dumb woman, scans for about 5 seconds, and nearly crashes into a car in front of us. Rofl. I thought Africa was bad.

So I farted around for a while, my dad decided to hire me part time for his photography business so I just make frames now. I'm getting pretty good at making them, so that's a plus. So after I made about 15 or so frames I went home. I stopped by my favorite Hawaiian restaurant. There was some hobo staring at nothing on a bench. I was 100% sure that he was going to ask me for some change. I walk by him and he starts talking. I turn back, and he's talking to no one in his ching chong gibberish. I thought the weird people experiences were over for today. But some guy came in the Hawaiian restaurant and was being a retarded.

Retard: "How much does 1 chicken cost?"
Employee: "Like a meal?"
Retard: "No just the chicken"
Employee: "Uh.. you can get like a 2 piece chicken meal for.."
Retard: "How much does 2 chicken cost?"
Employee: "You get a meal with 2 chickens"
Retard: "No I don't want that, just chicken. How big are they."
Employee: "Um.. it'll be $2.50"
Retard: "What about 1 chicken?"
Employee: "What?"
Retard: "Just 1 chicken it's for the kid. Oh how big is 1 chicken I order it all the time." (Talking to the chef)
Chef who always stares at me funny: "..."

I had to leave it was too painful.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Social Revolution

So I've lost my IRC network (to a woman) she stole it while I was in a coma. How clever of her, she knows she can't beat me in anything, so she steals shit from me when I'm asleep and can't wake up.

I am in favor of a "lassez faire" network. Where people are generally not moderated, because I believe in the general good of all people.
However, a women, who believes the opposite censors words, kicks, and bans people from the network who try to complain about how things are being handled. Then, she claims to be an American. How she does this, I cannot say. Clearly, she has lost it.

For all those cool kids in the channel; Xife, Zhek, Kips, Turbn(thanks for letting me use your sc2 account) and Agricola. Most of all Agricola. I sincerely wish you "ROW ROW FIGHT DA POWA" on this one because it's so retarded it's drole.

First blog post

This is my new, awesome blog. 

I'm making this blog, because Agricola, my best e-friend and troll buddy, made one. He says I can make money on this, so that'd be an added bonus. I'm not sure what I'm going to blog about, and the verb blogging sounds gay, but I'll find something.

I've watched that movie Julie & Julia where she cooks shit and blogs about it and makes a movie. That's just ridiculous, because women are supposed to cook and talk about it. Why should they get a movie deal out of it? and even a book deal? Ludicrous!