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Sunday, June 13, 2010

Return from the Dead! Trolls and Hoes!

So it's been ages since I've actually blogged. This is because of me being too busy, like not blogging. That one takes up most of the time. Now as for the lady to the right, she will come into this story in a bit. Some may call her "chubby" or "fat", but I prefer the French term grosse, for obvious reasons.

I like to be cool, as most of the 5 followers I have know. So when they all made OKcupid I just HAD to do it too. I thought that possibly I did it, really, because I wanted some attention, and maybe a shot at finding something worthwhile, and boy did I find something worthwhile.

I found Sammantha Harkness on OKcupid. Now, by this time (about 2 weeks in) I had realized that OKcupid was really a shitpile and I would just go there to get angry. See what stupid bitches and whores were on OK cupid threatening the world to resproduce with their eight 75 IQ kids, but then I met Sam, she just took the cake.

"Creative" type (emo) ✓

Super Athiest ✓

gurrrl Gamrrr ✓ (Some people might know what this is)

Obviously overflowing with self-confidence issues ✓

Stuipd beyond belief ✓

Yes, she was the perfect anti-hero to my story of life. So I made it MY mission to destroy this dumb hooker anyway I could. What did I have at my disposal? I had myself, a somewhat cute awkward kid, hipster, and a personality I could mold to fit this girl's obviously broken puzzle-like life. So I did what any intellectual elite would do on OKcupid when threatened by such a might nemesis. I read her profile and devised a devilishly clever letter to FORCE her to respond. Knowing that she was obviously shallow I fit that part, and she liked "nerds", A.K.A. guys that have played 1 video game.

Now let me just spare you the boring dry details of our flirty engagements. Which really consisted of.

Sam: Man I need to wash my windows

Me: I'd wash your windows ;)

Sam: ;)))))))))

This went on for a few weeks, and original plan to destroy her was just to stand her up on a date, and block her from all contact. So I lied to her and said I was hitching a ride with my friends to heading out to her rink-a-dink town to go to a Borders with her and eat lunch with her. (she made lunch for me LOL) So I busily blocked her from Facebook/MSN/Skype/OKcupid and was content with sitting on my computer knowing that I've done good. Unfortunately I was not able to block her on my cellphone, fucking sprint, so I had to bear with the 12 text messages that she sent me over the span of half an hour, all of which I didn't respond to.

Sam then said something that gave me an idea "omg kyle did you get into a car accident?" And so this plan was put forth into action. I quickly unblocked her from everything, minus skype/MSN, and logged back onto facebook. I pretended to be my sister who had my facebook password and only messaged her once a day. This is the story I gave her:

Sorry it's been a hectic couple of days. Um, where to start. He is doing a lot better now. he at least isn't in and out of consciousness anymore. this is the story he told me. apparently theyre car had stalled in the middle of the intersection, so kyle was getting out of the car to push it out of the way when a pickup truck plowed into him while he was opening his door.

he broke his right arm, and most of his right ribs. one of his ribs punctured his lungs and started filling up with blood. he was also bleeding internally hard for a while. we were lucky to get him to the hospital when we did because he just barely made it. in a day or two he should be a lot better and be able to talk to you again. ill try to bring my laptop or something.

we had to get him a new phone because his old one got smashed pretty hard and it was a touch phone so its totally shot. but ive been reading your text messages to him and he told me to say

"Love ya babe"

I texted her 5 days after my accident. I guess I must be Superman or something to recover so quickly. Once I "recovered" she bothered me non-stop, and because I was at a hospital the only excuse I could come up with was "I have to go take my spongebath now." And I took A LOT of spongebaths, and now comes the dramatic end of said story. I am now reading the novel "Lolita" by Vladamir Nabokov, and it's really funny, and in the story the mother of the 12 year old girl that the main character wants to fuck, leaves a letter behind as she's taking her daughter somewhere for the main character to read. I will paraphrase the letter "Humbert I love you, but you have to leave my house now because you don't love me, if you do love me, stay, and we will marry. Otherwise, leave my house"

I wrote down this letter to Sam, and edited a little bit, so it made sense, and blocked her on MSN. This is the letter:

    This is a confession: I love you. Last Sunday in chat - bad you, who refused to talk to me. Only last Sunday, my dear, when I thought about what to do, and I am acting the way now as I had thought about it. You see, there is no alternative. I have loved you from the minute I saw you. I am a passionate and manly man and you are the love of my life. 

    Now, my dearest, dearest, mon cher, cher madamoiselle, you have read this; now you know. So, will you please, AT ONCE, delete me from your friends list. This is a man's order. I am dismissing you. Go! Scram! Departez! I shall be back by dinnertime, and I hope I'm off your friend's list by then. Please, please, leave at once, NOW, do not even read this to the end. Go. Adieu.

What would a normal person do when they would get a message like this? they would wait. Then, come dinner time, prove their love for the other person. No, not Sam. Sam, following this message, proceeds to contact me and says "What did I do wrong, why are you angry with me?" I was enfuriated! I was so angry that someone THIS stupid was allowed to live. I figured this is where I would end the entire charade, where I would pull the coup de grace, but I waited a bit for her to embarass herself a little more. She did, she left this voice-mail on my phone. Voice-Mail

After waking up and seeing 15 new texts from her, and this voice-mail I figured it was time. I wrote this mean mean letter to her 

And thus, ends the story of how I trolled Sam into Oblivion